I got saved in 1994. In 1996, when I would read the bible in the morning I often came over Proverbs 5 and wondered what God wanted to tell me with that.
Then I got to know my first wife. Also in 1996 we once went to a church together where we usually would not go. There a minister called me forward and said: I have a word from the Lord for you, “You are before a decision, two paths, one is the Lord’s path, the other is not. Let nothing and nobody and no relationship hinder you to walk the Lord’s path.”
I broke down and cried and immediately had to think of my fiancée. I did not understand this word.
Later on in 1997 we married and in 1999 our son was born. In 2001 we moved from Germany to Switzerland. In 2005 she had enough of me and my religious faith and told me to leave. Her emotions had been hurt by me and other so called Christians. I asked her to also think of our son, but she wanted to be free and did not want to keep on trying to make our marriage work.
So we separated. The people I was involved with at that time in church told me to let her go, according to 1.Cor.7.15, although I wondered how they could call her an unbeliever if they didn’t even know her, because to that church where I went at that time she did not come anymore. She had already had enough of Christianity.
The so called “Apostle” in that Church who was also divorced and remarried told me to let her go and that once I was divorced, I would be free to marry another or even try to win her back, if I desired to.
I was kind of glad to get out of this so easily, because I thought, I had married the wrong woman, because many times I would go to meetings alone and there I would cry that she would not follow God together with me.
So I thought I was free to find another woman. Three years later in February 2008 I went to a healing service where I heard a voice inside me telling me: “I want to bring you back to (Name of first wife”.
I didn’t understand that voice and put it aside. Then, just a few weeks later I got to know my second wife, fell in love with her and soon wanted to marry her. So we started making plans for the wedding. But a couple of months later I again heard this voice telling me to bring me back to the first wife. And also the preacher there told the story of Kathryn Kuhlman who married this evangelist Waltrip who had divorced his wife in order to marry her…. But again I forgot it.
I once even asked God if I was really allowed to remarry, because of the first wife and there I heard something like: “my grace is bigger than your failure”. I don’t know if this was god or whether I understood it wrong, but I thought it meant I was allowed to remarry, but then in August 2008 I suddenly had no peace about it anymore. I thought and was told this is the devil and I would have to fight him. I did, but it was so strong, I felt like fighting against God.
So I started talking to Christians about it. They all told me to resist the devil and to proceed with the wedding. inside I felt it must be wrong, but I could not understand it. Because I had asked god and had other “prophetic words” which seemed to tell me that it would be ok.
But I just had no peace anymore and it got darker and darker in my spirit.
At one point in a service where we both were a woman got up and said to the congregation: “I have a word from God for somebody in here: “You are standing in front of a pile of broken glass, and it is
God’s task to build that up again, don’t do it yourself” It hit me and I felt convicted, but at the same time was afraid to tell my fiancée. I was afraid because at one time before we had talked about marrying and then later she wanted to talk about it again, but at that moment I did not want to talk about it for some reason I don’t remember. And then her reaction was something I did not get. She was devastated and that affected me, too. It took two whole days for her to recover from that and me too, then.
Because of this I was afraid to tell her, which was a big mistake. Because my conscience grew from bad to worse. then the day before our marriage I gazed into my bible which was laying open on my table and my eyes spotted Hebrews 10:26-27: “For if we sin willfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins, but a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries” – I was shocked and scared to death and thought “If I marry now, I will be condemned!” Because of this I cried for grace. And then I believe the Holy Spirit said to me: “It just needs faith as a seed of mustard.” Encouraged by that I could just grab grace and immediately there was peace! BUT that made me think that it is ok to remarry.
“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5
God knew that and gave me a dream in that night, which I also did not understand at that point. I dreamt I came out of a dark basement where I had been working. There were some other workers as well. suddenly I saw a light on the wall and wanted to know what it was although the others told me not to look at it. But I wanted to know and ran outside and came to a little shrine, a little house between two giant trees. I stood there and looked at it, not getting the meaning of it and then ran away again from this little place. I saw myself running into the direction of a far away huge white building over which was the angry spirit of the householder who watched what I did!
Today I believe God wanted to warn me with Hebrews 10.26 and gave me grace TO NOT SIN, but I did not understand it!!!!
On the morning of the wedding I remembered a scripture which said: “For the ways of man are before the eyes of the LORD, and he pondereth all his goings.” Proverbs 5:21 and one verse before it said: “And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger?” – I was too confused to understand and was ashamed and afraid, so I then went to marry my second wife, having NO PEACE!!!!
Then later I had a terrible bad conscience and everything in me was crying: Repent!!! But I was confused and afraid and just couldn’t believe what I had done and was too ashamed to get out of it again. I was like Saul who feared man more than God!!! I was such an idiot!
Well then later judgement started and this was really no fun at all!!! One night after a big fight with my second wife I woke up in the middle of the night and felt like: This is it. I have sinned against a holy God. This is the end. It was terrible. I then cried out to God for three hours with all my heart and then suddenly came peace – wonderful peace. At that moment I thought again: well, everything is ok, praise god! and went back to bed. Next morning peace was gone again….
Kind of the same happened after I had confessed having remarried against the will of God. The first time I did that I had wonderful peace. For two days. Then the same trouble and unrest came back.
Then I started an odyssey meeting different counselors and pastors and told what had happened everywhere and they ALL would tell me that I would have to stay where I was now. Some said, I had sinned but now I am forgiven, some said, it is all the devil, but nobody said, what I felt inside: You are living in sin. Stop it! There was one guy in Germany whom I emailed once and he said I would be living in sin and would have to repent of it if I would not want to perish. But for that I still did not have the courage, because I was afraid of the consequences.
To make a long story short, it took me six years to overcome this. Now I found the courage to separate. I had tried three times before, but just didn’t manage to leave her, because of her suffering. But because I waited so long, there are now more and tougher consequences. Now I evenhave another child with my second wife who is going to grow up without me!!!!!
I could hit myself for having procrastinated so long.
I just have to learn to trust God that he will help all involved.
“Better is little with the fear of the LORD than great treasure and trouble therewith.”